i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
