Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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