Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
