I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need to align my fucking chakras
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