i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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