I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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