Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
