it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
