My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
