My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
