i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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