that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
