I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You need a sexual gate keeper
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
