HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
