laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
