that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you win again, gameday.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
