I molested 6 butterflies tonight
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You smell like stripper and shame
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
