Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
