i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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