i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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