Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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