My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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