things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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