I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
