The maid of honor just puked.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
sex in a hospital.. check
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Randomize
