her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
