My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
