Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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