You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
