The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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