Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
