This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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