drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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