genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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