new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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