so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
