I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was like eating out sand paper
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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