I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
