I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
