I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
