I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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