I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
