As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
