my mouth tastes like poor choices
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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