your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
