I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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