I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
