I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
