My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
