Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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