if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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