How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
