just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
