I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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