I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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