I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
