So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
FUCK WHALES
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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