??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
we're so committed to being not committed
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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