the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
