it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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