I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
