nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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