i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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