So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
