I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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